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being_chrysalis @ 2006-07-20T16:47:00

2006-07-20T21:47:25Z

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.1
Mind:	5.6
Body:	3
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	1.3
Love:	0.8
Finance:	7.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

O_O

2006-07-08T07:56:09Z

I sent this email to my dad just about 5 minutes ago... you'd have to understand.. it was like 23 years in the making... I am seriously freaked out (and a little proud) that I did it... (no more Oprah marathons for me!!)

Dear Dad,

I have been thinking a lot about what you said in our last phone conversation and about our relationship and how I feel about you. And I guess that for some reason I feel more motivated to actually talk about things than I have in the past.

First of all, the way I see the development of our relationship as adult to adult. One of the things that made it possible for me to re-establish contact with you and mom after all the years of relative silence was that we were all adults now and while I would not want the parent I grew up with, maybe it would be possible to have some kind of relationship as adult to adult. If it had not been for the (a Christian community I lived in) and the spiritual focus there of reconciliation and of honoring parents, I would not have made the effort I did to reconnect with you. I say that because when I think back on the visits we had, they were very unpleasant for me because I felt very alienated and terrified.

That fear has been a constant presence in my relationship with both you and with mom. The day you came to [the place I was living] and told me that you and mom and (my sister) were moving to [a state half-way across the U.S.) without me, that you had already begun the process of terminating your parental rights, that was the single most painful day of my life. The only other day that comes close was the day that I found out the guy I was dating seriously had committed suicide while I had been gone on a week-long trip with my church.

I know that this is the first time you are hearing about (the guy who committed suicide) and that you had no idea that I went through that. The truth is that there is a whole lot you don't know about me. I don't share those things with you or with (my sister) or with Mom for a very good reason. I have never gotten over the pain you caused me when you left me in [state]. It has probably been one of the single most formative experiences of my life. I keep about 95% of who I am and what I think and feel hidden from you because I can't trust that you will be there when times get tough. I have had this thought countless times over the last several years, "He wants to be a part of my life because I am doing something he can be proud of. He would not be in my life if the chips were down and I really really screwed up." I have pictures of the mothers (and fathers) who go to court when their screw-up child ends up getting convicted of murder and they cry and talk about how much they love their child. That is unconditional love.

There are so many times on my job too that I see kids that act in ways that you could not even imagine. And there are times where they have well-meaning, terrified parents who want to do what they can, will do what they can, don't know what the hell to do... and it never crosses their minds to give up their son or daughter. Never. The thought is so completely alien to them that they can't even conceive of a time when they would do it. And trust me, their kids act a lot worse than I ever did with you and mom.

I know the "reasons" for what you guys did. I want you to know that this is not about judging you and choices you can't possibly change. But I also think it's about time you knew how much that affected me.

A big part of why this has come up for me so powerfully in the last year is because when I got together with V (my ex), I became a part of the extended family, and V became my family, "we" were family. So losing V is like losing a family all over again.

I have spent most of my life since that day in May 1984 looking for a place to belong. I have an image of myself as a "stray" cat - they aren't pretty to look at and they can be damn mean when they feel threatened, but they make it on their own and they are tough as hell. But, they don't get to be inside cats with the love and warm places to sleep and food and petting. They don't get nurtured by others. When you and mom left me, I cried so hard I couldn't stop. One of the nurses offered me a sedative and I remember looking at her and thinking, "That won't make this stop hurting." Do you remember Mom's fuzzy light blue robe? I had it when you guys left me and I would sit holding it for hours and crying. What I found out was that there were not enough tears to heal the pain of losing you. I learned to be tough. I learned to drag myself forward with my fingernails if need be. I didn't learn to trust people. And I didn't learn to build emotionally intimate relationships.

One of the reasons I did manage to get where I am.. because I don't know of a single person I was friends with back then - between ages 14-18, who has been able to find their way back from the edge they were on.. what made a difference for me was taking personal responsibility for my life. I do not blame you or mom for the decisions I made. I don't blame you or mom for the things that happened to me because of those decisions. I am responsible for my own life. I hold that as one of the most powerful and meaningful lessons of my life. But I also know that the choices that you and mom made back then had a devastating impact on me, some things that still affect me to this day. And I know that I will never have anything close to resembling a genuine relationship with you until I know that you really understand and hear how deeply you hurt me back then. And that's not a one-time thing. Because while this is a very long email, this is just the barest of details of the parts of my life that I have kept hidden from view all these years.

What I want most right now is for you to be able to hear me and to listen to me and to be able to respect what I have to say enough to not have to defend against it. I also know that it might not be something that you want or can do right now. Most of all what I needed was to be able to write this email and to at least start telling some of my Truth in a way that honors me. I want to be able to be the kind of person that is ready to listen to your Truth with an open heart. The reality is, right now, I can't be that kind of person for you. If I was talking to a parent I was working with, I would say that there are times as a parent you have to *be* the parent and that you have to take care of your needs in other relationships because your kid won't be able to meet your emotional and relationship needs at this point in their lives. (I would also make a particular point to keep encouraging the parent to get their needs met so they are able to handle what is going on.)

I feel so sad, grief, for having taken so long to take this kind of risk. All I can say is, the memory of that day that you told me you were leaving me, has stayed with me vividly.. and I have not been in a place where I was willing to "risk" losing you all over again, for any reason, even being true to myself. What I want the most is to have a real family, where that fear is acknowledged openly and we can do something about it. I hope that it is possible to make a real connection rather than a distant, mercurial one. I don't know if the words I've written are enough or too much or whatever. What I hope is that you can take a breath with me, and listen to my heart. Because I do love you, more than I can ever say.

(signed by me)

The world was my oyster, and you my pearl...

2006-06-22T23:50:16Z

I have had the BEST time surfing http://futureme.org/index.php

it's a place where you can write a letter to your future self.. and there's a place where you can read others' letters and click on "random" letters..

It is interesting and entertaining and.. people are so fucking cool aren't they? I like reading everything from the kid who will have been a commercial pilot, retired, become a chef, then go to 6 years of college and maybe do some football. :D

What kind of outrageous dreams did you have when the world was your oyster? I was sure I'd get the Nobel Peace Prize... for what I am not sure.. but I was gonna get it for something.

I will probably write more about this later.. right now I'm in a coffee bar and it's fREAKING COLD (yeah, air conditioner ain't always more=better)

I so love the process that people do.. this looking inward and speaking/writing/expressing what they see/hear/feel... it's amazing. If there was anywhere I might see a glimpse of a divine light, it would be there.

wide world of lj

2006-06-22T23:00:22Z

I've been cruising various journals and omg can I just say some people's LJ's make me insanely jealous as I have no clue how to make mine look 1/156th as cool.

How how HOW do I get my LJ to look as cool? *sigh* I need a how to manual - with pictures.. :-/ somehwere there has to be a way to get cool.

LOL

b_c

a form (?) of narrative therapy

2006-06-21T17:34:51Z

I have started writing out how I want my days to go.. this is very different from the endless lists I write (I am a compulsive list maker) because it's more narrative than listing. It can be (I'm sure to others) excruciatingly boring for someone else to read... what I am trying to do is to feel out this "character" I want to become. I try to think of ways that "she" would act on a day-to-day basis rather than how I would act... in kind of a Seinfeld-ish do the opposite of what you would ordinarily do kind of way. At some point I might make a livejournal about it... somehow it seems writing it out longhand works for me for now.

I'm *over* my whole evil self being resentful of babies.. if anyone's feelings were hurt by what I said yesterday I am sorry. I am working to find ways to be more honest and genuine in my self-expression and it may take awhile to find a balance... :P

Right now I'm going to write out some more of that alternative narrative stuff and then work on *living it out* and I'll probably post more later.

being_chrysalis @ 2006-06-20T21:46:00

2006-06-21T03:00:44Z

I like the new background I came up with - I scanned the back of a journal I liked and dinked around with it so there it is.. I still don't like the colors I have set up (entirely TOO cutesy - reminds me of that car commercial with the fairy who turns everything into cute pink and green crap).

I so enjoy reading all of the entries on my friends list... I considered making up a new identity to start some new writing project I'm considering but NO WAY am I giving up my friends list :) yeah yeah I know I could have more than one but then there's all that signing in and out and crap :P I am entirely too lazy to do that.

Today one of my coworkers had a baby shower... yippee... (not) I know I am supposed to be happy for him (yeah it's his wife that's having the baby but I work for a place that has showers regardless of gender). I still miss so much the loss of having a baby.. and the longer I live, the less and less possible it looks for me to ever do that... I even wrote about it in my inked journal and I don't know if I want to get into all the pain and sadness here... not right now anyway. Anyway, of all the freaking coworkers I have, somehow *I* ended up having to be the one to 1. find out what Jason (the dad-to-be) really wanted and then 2. collect the money and go to the freaking baby store to get it. Turns out we needed a gift certificate so he and his wife can get this glider rocker chair they want. I resented having to get the card. I resented having to go to the store to get the gift certificate... I just walked in to the registers, barely crossed the threshhold, and gave the lady the damn money. I was snappish when she asked me for my phone number, no thank you. Fuck if I want those people sending me things... I already am on some stupid asshole's mailing list who keeps sending me mail "to the daughter of..." whatever.

I love babies. I used to love spending time with them and wanted to hold them when mommies (or daddies) would allow.. but since the failed pregnancies.. and subsequent failed marriage.. GOD I just wish I could push a button on my invisible force field and sneak out the back door for all these events.

I am tired of people telling me that I can still have a baby someday. I am tired of people telling me that I can always adopt.
I am tired of people who treat the baby-less (the ones who want them anyway) as if they should just go ahead and *get over it* when they have no idea what it's like to be reminded in a thousand different ways each and every day how childless they are (and may remain) and all the losses - big to small... that it entails.

Anyway, I'm going to go cheer myself up by reading all the entertaining things other people have to say.

(People with children should not comment on this post - I have a screen button and I ain't afraid to use it! hahahah)

Other versions of the Judgement card...

2006-02-26T07:01:50Z

Universal Waite deck - one of the "standard" decks of tarot.
Spiral Tarot Deck (the one I use the most)
Druidcraft Deck

Which Tarot Card Are You?

2006-02-26T06:45:07Z

You are the Judgement card. Judgment has also been called the Aeon and Rejuvenation. Judgment is the final decision that allows for a new growth. The concept of Judgment day refers to a time when those in existence are brought into a new era. This new era may occur symbolically in your own life, but it may appear with mystery, not declaring itself boldly but instead promising a new adventure to be had. The feeling may come within, as the desire to make a change in your life. This change is one that is actively persuaded by your own actions rather than one that is thrust upon you. Image from: The Maninni Tarot deck, Mike Willis.

http://www.calweb.com/~queribus/maninni.html

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Post your results in the comments!

changes in the wind

2006-02-12T06:49:34Z

Obviously I haven't been using my livejournal much lately.. lots of personal stuff going on and sometimes writing in real time feels better than typing in cyberspace...

However.. I am going to re-do my journal so that I can begin using it to organize and work on my Tarot studies.. so be prepared that this journal is about to undergo a major makeover and shift in focus!

bye for now...

b_c

My Metaphore About Writing

2005-09-21T20:05:41Z

Writing is exploring. It's grappling with what's going on and finding a way to bring meaning, organization, and expression to my inner world. I see writing as a way of documenting the past, memorializing it outside the "Self" so the "Self" can move onto other things. I see it as a way of exploring the present. Exploring is everything from grand Hubble-telescopelike exploration of the outer reaches of space to the minute tracings of little events going on under a microscope. Writing (and reading other people's writings) is a way to learn about things I would otherwise never know. I adore reading things I would not traditionally pick up or find and LOVE when I find some new author or genre or idea that I've never considered/seen/heard before. There is never enough time to write. There is never enough time to read. The world is so full of things that wait to be "discovered" by me through writing and reading. I know I've already incorporated "reading" into this and I do see it as nearly impossible to be a good writer without being a good (and prolific) reader. My greatest sense of connection to others are to others that both love to write and love to read.

Life is not meant to be lived on passive consumption. "Because it's always been that way," is not a response worth owning. I want to know WHY it's always been that way. I want to know who decided that this was "the" way. I want to know why everyone has gone along with "the" way and what happens to those who don't accept "the" way. I also want to know how "the" way originated. I want to understand what the challengers to the accepted "way" are. I want to know where they come from and what their thoughts are. And I won't accept the "anti-way" at face value either.

Life was meant to be explored, tasted, felt, seen, experienced in every manner possible. All of life is amazing and purposeful and precious. I consider my metaphor to be the Lewis and Clark metaphor. They went *out* and wrote/drew/contemplated the whole thing prolifically. Life without exploration is.. well, boring. Life without writing about the explorations is.. well, stagnant. Give me a compass, a map, and a journal. That is my metaphor for writing. (The compass and map are, at times, optional!)

being_chrysalis @ 2005-09-20T23:47:00

2005-09-21T05:17:48Z

I'm reading a book called "The Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore (not "the" Thomas Moore, another one). The book talks about embracing dark nights and letting them teach you. It talks about not trying to fight or "overcome" dark nights and "triumph" but instead, explore it and find out what it means.

My dark night: I want to have a baby and I probably never will. There, I said it. And probably there's some part of me that doesn't even want to have children. If I did, I'd exercise, eat right, take my medication, and really work on it. But I don't. I just keep picking around the edges, giving into a multitude of thoughts about how if when what why where because therefore whatever nevertheless instead why not money shots pills budget health insurance pizza sadness loneliness unworthiness never but ever maybe.

What is wrong with me? I know what I should do. I have all the resources I need to accomplish this goal. But still, I don't get anywhere. I'm tired. I'm tired of circling the edge. I don't want to give myself whole-heartedly to the process again only to fail, again. I don't want to face the pain of loss and of humiliation for nothing. The things you have to do, as a woman, when you're going through infertility treatment, it's humiliating. But you put your "game face" on and keep pushing, keep jumping hurdles, keep taking the next step, keep trying.

What does this dark night have to teach me? Would it really be more painful to fully commit myself only to fail later on? Would it feel different if I knew I had given my all and that was simply not enough? I know it works with my clients. I give my all, things don't work out, and I know, I walk away thinking, "I did the best I could, they got the best they could possibly get," (no, I'm not modest in the job department).

Maybe what's really eating me is the realization that I'm not really trying that hard. What's keeping me from trying? I don't think it's fear of failure. Fear of change? Fear that if I do this I won't know who I am anymore? That I'll lose the last connection I have to the person I was when I was younger. I was joking with a friend the other day that I must have a "latent" death wish - being so overweight and having diabetes and asthma and I smoke, don't take my medications consistently, and haven't worked on my eating habits in almost 6 months.

Is it really possible for me to change? I don't know. I wonder. I wonder what kind of person I would be if I exercised every day. If I ate right and paid attention to what's going on inside of me more. Sometimes I look inside myself and I don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel like there is anything that is "real" and immutable. It's all transient. It's all sand falling off the edge of a dark abyss into nothingness. Having a baby won't change that. (God, I hope I never try to have a baby to fill holes in my own life.) So what will I do? I can't bring a child into this world, my world, of watching particles fall off into nothingness.

I'm lost. It's dark. I only hope I "get" whatever it is that I'm supposed to be "getting" as I stumble around in the night.

Mothers

2005-09-20T06:14:00Z

Mothers. Some mothers are wonderful. They have a (seemingly) neverending supply of understanding, patience, and love for some of the most *trying* kids you'd ever meet. I can respect that.

Some mothers go to court and parole hearings for their children and say, "I love my son. My son is a good boy." Nevermind the big guy with tattoos and scars was a hit man for some form of organized crime or other. Still, there is something in that person, that man, that a mother can love, because she does.

Some mothers are like the wife of the man in the flood I mentioned a few weeks ago. Mothers who give up their lives for their children. "Keep the children safe," as she lets go, knowing that if her husband keeps his grip, their children will be parentless rather than motherless.

Some mothers hold their babies tight, refusing to let *anyone* take their child, children's services included, without a fight. Because they KNOW their children will always be better off with them. No one else will recognize that cry, or know that the baby likes the mirror and not the rattle. Or that this baby needs soy-based formula instead of cow-based formula. The unintended kindnesses of strangers can hurt a LOT to a colicky baby who was fed a regular formula bottle when she needed a soy-milk bottle. And who will know that rubbing his cheeks makes him suck more when he's tired and isn't feeding well?

Some mothers slap their kids, and yell at them almost non-stop. A lot of times, they seem to me to be battle-wearied foot soldiers, trying to hold all the pieces together while life backs them one more step back into a corner. Sometimes, they're afraid of what their children will do that might bring down unwanted attention. Sometimes, the fear is so deep and so unexpressed, they don't even know why they're yelling, they just know they're scared and angry and dammit, just STOP doing that right NOW so I can THINK! Do I think it's right? No. Do I understand? Sometimes.

Some mothers compusively spend all their free money on getting more dolls, doll clothes, doll houses, toys toys toys for their children. Even at the expense of paying the gas bill. Somehow, if she can keep duplicating that fleeting moment of joy when her daughter gets the "new thing" often enough, maybe her daughter will forget that her father just died agonizing in their living room on the hospital bed he had only for one day before he finally drew his last breath. Maybe if she keeps buying things, planning crafts and going to activities with her daughter, it will fill the lonely emptiness of losing the father to death and the son to juvenile detention. Maybe it will distract the daughter from her fear of being taken into foster care after she has already lost so much.

Some mothers, pregnant ones, that are having contractions, will take the housing offered that everyone else passes on, because she's in labor and she doesn't want to take her baby back to the Astro-dome. She'll spend what few hours she has left (3cm dilated) sanitizing the apartment in order to bring the baby home to a clean environment.

Some mothers refuse to do things they really *should* do, because they're caught up in adult dramas that their kids don't understand. They stay with abusive boyfriends/husbands/partners. They ignore the *signs* and hints their children give of their own trauma. They minimize, deny, dismiss the pain they see right in front of their faces.

Some mothers see their exes in their children's eyes. Particularly if the child is the same gender of the ex. "You're just like your father." No, they're not. They're children. They've seen mom be abused by the father so many times, they only know of two ways to handle anger - Mom's way and Dad's way. Sometimes, they're not even reenacting abuse at all, sometimes they're just expressing normal feelings. Sometimes mothers have a hard time separating abusive anger of an adult partner from the normal anger of a child... much more so "normal" considering what the child witnessed the earlier years of childhood.

Some mothers have favorites. They like "this" child but not "that" one. Why? Sometimes there is a twisted logical sense to it (like favoring the not-like-your-father kid over the just-like-your-father kid). Sometimes there isn't any logic at all except in the mind of the mother. WITH OR WITHOUT logic, it hurts so much to be the kid on the outside. And it's terrifying to be the kid on the inside... because so much is expected, and the fear of slipping, of becoming the "out" kid, creates pressure to be exactly what the mother wants.

Some mothers spend hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to become mothers. They submit themselves to humiliating physical exams and intrusive questions about their sexual history. They excuse themselves from business meetings because there is a 15-minute window to pee on a stick, 10 days of every month, to see if this is THE day that a future child might be released. They give up coffee and take up whole foods. They avoid being around smokers and stop drinking. They get ultrasounds, take their temperature, take their pills, take their shots. Every day, they hope, wish, and pray for all this effort to pay off, that this time, the stick will turn blue, that the egg will stick where it should, that all will grow as it should and their child-to-be will not be hurt or lost in the process.

Some mothers adopt. And some of those adopted mothers really do love and treat their chosen children as the special gifts on loan from God that they are. Others take up the mantra of how much their child "owes" them for rescuing them from that "awful" life of before.

Of course, some biologically connected mothers talk about how much their kids "owe" them as well.

And some mothers, sitting on a rooftop surrounded by water and dead things, are told, "We're only taking children." Do they hold on or let go? Where will the child go? What will happen to them? Who will look after them? Where are they now? Do they hold on? What happens if they run out of water? Or it gets too hot? Or the baby gets sick? Or they don't get anymore food drops?

Some mothers hold on tight/too tight. Some mothers let go/too soon.

And, of course, all of this could be said about fathers too.

Mama, hold me/let me go. I won't make it with/without you.

No matter which of these mothers you are, you are my mama, and I love you.

Hitting a wall.

2005-09-11T00:24:54Z

The world is full of good ideas, right? Well, this whole idea of gift certificates has both escalated to really cool levels and then died because of that. The woman in San Antonio backed out of being the "point person" for the certificates so now what?

I am angry and upset and disappointed. It was a damn good idea and because people are ... whatever.. it's not going to happen. I'm most upset because it would have helped a lot of families and a lot of people were really interested in doing it. I can't believe this.

Feeling: pissy and hurt

Gore Helped Airlift Katrina Refugees

2005-09-10T21:03:40Z

Al Gore underwrote the cost of two charter flights, which flew hurricane victims out of New Orleans.

On Sept. 1, three days after Katrina slammed into the Gulf Coast, Simon learned that Dr. David Kline, a neurosurgeon who operated on Gore's son, Albert, after a life-threatening auto accident in 1989, was trying to get in touch with Gore. Kline was stranded with patients at Charity Hospital in New Orleans.

"The situation was dire and becoming worse by the minute - food and water running out, no power, 4 feet of water surrounding the hospital and ... corpses outside," Simon wrote.

Gore responded immediately, telephoning Kline and agreeing to underwrite the $50,000 each for the two flights, although Larry Flax, founder of California Pizza Kitchens, later pledged to pay for one of them.

"None of the airlines involved required a contract or any written guarantee of payment before sending their planes and volunteer crews," Simon wrote of the American Airlines flights. "One official said if Gore promised to pay, that was good enough for them."

He also recruited two doctors, Spickard and Gore's cousin, retired Col. Dar LaFon, a specialist in internal medicine who once ran the military hospital in Baghdad.

Most critically, Gore worked to cut through government red tape, personally calling Gov. Phil Bredesen to get Tennessee's support and U.S. Transportation Secretary Norm Mineta to secure landing rights in New Orleans.

About 140 people, many of them sick, landed in Knoxville on Sept. 3. The second flight, with 130 evacuees, landed the next day in Chattanooga.

Original Article

FEMA cuts doing something that actually worked and made sense

2005-09-10T03:08:26Z

Summary a la ME - FEMA gave out debit cards for the $2000 relief that all the displaced people are entitled to. You could use them like credit cards to take care of your family in the aftermath. BUT, oh, yeah it made too much *sense* - for people without bank accounts, for people whose banks were locally based (and thereby wiped out), for people without ID and without a means to keep and protect such a large amount of CASH from a CHECK or DIRECT DEPOSIT - it makes *perfect sense* to have a debit card. HAH, FEMA discontinued it after only one day of distribution in *guess where* ONLY TEXAS. I guess Barbie Bush wanted to be sure all those *scary people* in her state had enough money to get over the state border.

Idiots.

Here is the link.

Another beautiful woman being helped by the military

2005-09-10T00:45:02Z

Army Chaplain Capt. Thomas Holmes, left, and Spc. Jeffrey Madden, of Bravo Company 2-4 Aviation, 4th Infantry Division out of Fort Hood, Texas, evacuate a Hurricane Katrina survivor.

How long was it? several minutes as I remember

2005-09-09T21:31:07Z

THIS is what made me decide to add hope/volunteer stuff but keep the sarcasm

2005-09-09T21:21:23Z

Just blame Barbara Bush.

Barbara Bush Calls Evacuees Better Off

By THE NEW YORK TIMES

Published: September 7, 2005

President Bush's mother said that many of the poor people she had seen while touring a Houston relocation site were faring better than before the storm hit.

----

Barbara Bush, who accompanied the former presidents on a tour of the Astrodome complex Monday, said the relocation to Houston is "working very well" for some of the poor people forced out of New Orleans.

"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality," she said during a radio interview with the American Public Media program "Marketplace." "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

quote taken from: http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/06/katrina.presidents.ap/

----

What the F*** is your problem? First of all, it's "scary" that people want to stay in Texas??????????? Everyone is so caught up in the fact that she said that they are doing so well in the arena that they're better off.. that they don't notice she said it's SCARY that they want to stay in TEXAS. OMG, afraid of a little *color* in your life you $%$%^#&&^*^&(pastyfaced !#$&()off your nut#%$%#unworthy of the ground those people walk on#$%^$%marie-antoinette-wannabe^$% don't bother calling ME if YOU ever need help%%^&**((())$$^%@$!@.

GOD I just want to KICK something.

I lied...

2005-09-09T21:08:27Z

Yeah yeah yeah, still gotta vent. But I'll do my part in what's going on too.

Volunteer transportation

2005-09-08T22:37:24Z

Remember the idea about driving survivors from shelters to places they need to go to next? here's a site and the volunteer information for that kind of work:

http://www.katrinacaravan.org/volunteer/

A Cute Picture, and my decision to begin posting hope

2005-09-08T22:29:51Z

U.S. Air Force personnel from the 343rd Training Squadron assist a Hurricane Katrina evacuee from New Orleans off a C-17 Globemaster III at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas, on Sept. 2, 2005. Military units have mobilized as part of Joint Task Force Katrina to support the Federal Emergency Management Agency's disaster-relief efforts. Defense Dept. photo by Robbin Cresswell.

I think this is a perfect picture to start a new tone to my blog. There will ever be things I can put up about how insensitive, elitist, etc etc etc the Bush regime has been. But, it's time to stop cursing the darkness and light a candle. I love this picture because she's so tiny and you can see how the men are trying so hard to be extremely gentle with her! I like this.

My Area of Focus.. (the promised explanation)

2005-09-08T08:22:32Z

Okay, I have to get this written out anyway for some exciting new developments in my area regarding the gift certificate idea so here it goes:

I had the privilege of being able to work with survivors of the Katrina Hurricane in San Antonio this past Labor Day weekend as a mental health volunteer through the San Antonio chapter of NASW. During that time it became clear that most of the basic needs of the people there were being met and that the Red Cross has plenty of donations of those kinds of goods and services. As you can imagine, not a single person there came away with their belongings intact. The Red Cross has done a phenomenal job of setting up a phone bank, food services, clothing, baby supplies and even Internet access! One woman I worked with had never used the computer before and we sat down to look up the sheriff of her county as she had heard he had died during the midst of this. She was able to look him up and talk about how well he had handled the evacuation of her county and (much relief) discovered that he was not dead “despite rumors to the contrary.”

However, the need for particular items that various people needed did come up – such as hearing aid batteries for a deaf girl, shaving powder (not cream) for an elderly man, and so forth. These are needs that are unique and come up in various ways and are difficult to anticipate or manage on a large scale. Many things come in a “one size fits all" sort of way – such as small (not large) crayons – which work well for school aged children but not necessarily for the younger ones. (I personally am in favor of washable vs. regular markers, which they did not have.) Another example is that the pharmacy provides chewable Tums for stomach discomfort but for some, this was not enough and they would have benefited from being able to get something stronger or different (such as Maalox). This upcoming week they are going to begin enrolling these children in the local schools which brings up a whole other issue of school supplies. Simple things, like having hair clips, make such a difference to kids when they walk into a new school.

The people who are best able to assess and meet the individual needs are the social services providers on the ground. On the ride home from San Antonio I started thinking about ways that I could continue to help them address the needs of those survivors and realized that if the program coordinator (NASW Chair) Linda Mockeridge, were to have a set of small-denomination gift certificates to places such as Wal-Mart and Walgreen’s, she would give these out to the workers to meet those specific needs that are nearly impossible to administer on a large scale. Sending gift certificates instead of the actual items gives flexibility in the money addressing the needs that are presented AND cut down on the cost of shipping, as well as finding places to store and ways to transport the items donated. Also, I know for me that it is a satisfying feeling to know that a small, affordable amount of donation will go to address a specific need of a specific person/family with 100% of the money. If anyone would like to buy a small ($5-25) gift certificate to places such as Wal-Mart, Walgreen’s, Target, or Shell gas station I will be sending a collection of these to Ms. Mockeridge in the next few weeks. (Shell gas station gifts would help families who are traveling with a vehicle and have run out of money.) This is just one small piece of what can seem to be an overwhelming task but I can’t tell you how much it means to people to be able to have a seemingly “small” piece of their former lives back.

Planes, trains, automobiles... (other ideas for helping out)

2005-09-08T07:59:56Z

Do you have skymiles? (Delta in particular?) you can donate them to the red cross to use for survivors trying to get reunited with family members, or to join other relatives in unaffected areas. I am *sure* if you called your airline of preference that they would be quick to follow Delta's example. Maybe talk them into matching the miles too while you're at it ;)

Gas cards work for families that are stranded with their vehicle and have somewhere to go if they had the money.

You can donate these and other transportation kinds of items through the "transportation department" of the red cross shelter closest to you.

Old car seats are a great way for an anxious parent to put down their infant without worrying about them getting hurt.

Would you be willing to volunteer to escort someone disabled from the shelter to their relatives' homes or another shelter where other family members are? You would need a clean background check which you can *expedite* by going to the local police station and paying for one (it's dated and yes, you can pay for them to do this). You can also show a clean driving record by going to the local license bureau and asking for a copy of your driving record. When you volunteer, you can ask if they need these items and bring them with you. You will probably also need a copy of your drivers' license and car insurance. (This would be a great ministry for a church/group with a van.)

Are you good with kids? Would you be willing to volunteer as a mentor/tutor for a kid from the shelter? Call the school district of the shelter and ask them how you can help.

The longer time passes, the more the *shine* of doing work in this circumstance will wear off and people will go back to doing other things. From what I've been hearing the shelters will probably stay active for MONTHS. That means that volunteers will be needed for MONTHS. Don't get discouraged if you don't get a call back or they tell you there's a time-related process involved with registering, the work will still be there when you're ready!!

Consider donating CD players and CD's for kids, teens, and adults. Then (just like at Christmas) don't forget the batteries!

If you have unique donations (such as CD players, hint hint) that you KNOW can be used right away, try alternative ways of donating them to get them through the gates - - such as to a church organization or social service organization. San Antonio's National Association of Social Workers has been particularly active in the organization and provision of services/volunteers/etc. for their area. I was disheartened to see how little was being done in *my* area by the NASW (which will remain anonymous) considering how active the SA chapter is. BUT, it never hurts to call your local office and find out what they're doing! They often have a quicker access route to the families than "unaffiliated volunteers" - - other organizations, particularly church-based ones, also have a strong relationship with the Red Cross. Keep calling, keep trying. Don't give up. People want and need the help, including *nonessential* items that make life more bearable. Use your own expertise, if you're a teenager, what do teenagers like/want/wish they could have to pass the time? If you're a heavily involved church member, what would a heavily involved church member wish they had? What about a student? School supplies will most *likely* be addressed, but what about that SpongeBob pencil box? Or a body pillow for the pregnant woman? There are countless ideas.. so what are yours?

Loss of life will be much higher than estimated...

2005-09-08T05:09:01Z

Everyone I spoke with said that there were bodies everywhere.. the "rumor" was that the body count will be much closer to 40,000 than the "official" estimation of 10,000. Now it's out, FEMA doesn't want people taking pictures of bodies. There's a lot that can be said about that.. but really, if people really could see the horrible conditions there, the sheer number of bodies...

here's the article about FEMA not wanting pictures taken of the dead... I can understand dignity and all that but we're missing a key piece of the story of what it's like there.

http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20050907100009990016&ncid=NWS00010000000001

Not a lot of money but a big difference...

2005-09-07T13:38:55Z

I will update this with more details later but I just wanted to put this out there... I was working with the social services group involved with the shelters (all of them) in San Antonio where 22,000 people have been evacuated to. People have their general needs met, and the Red Cross has done an AMAZING job with that. Where there is a need is in the details. An example, I bought hearing aid batteries for a deaf girl that didn't have any. I will post more examples later but the idea that I came up with was to collect gift certificates in SMALL amounts ($5-25) for the social services people to use on specific needs not addressed by a system designed to meet *most* of the needs of *most* of the people *most* of the time. This includes gift certificates to places like Wal-Mart, Walgreens, Target, and Shell gas station (for families who had enough money/gas to get to San Antonio but need more to get home/go to a shelter where other family members are located, etc). If you're interested in helping out in that way, reply to this post. Otherwise, I'll post more details later. The certificates will be given to the head of the San Antonio chapter of National Association for Social Workers (Linda Mockeridge) who I know personally. We all have been giving what we can, I know. This is a way for you to help in a small amount, that will 100% go to the families in need, and address needs that otherwise will not be met. I'll post contact information and such later.